“Summer Love” came to a close this past Sunday with the message entitled, “It Takes Two.”  If a marriage is going to be all that God desires it to be, then it must take two committed people.  Here are the lessons inspired by the story of David and Bathsheba:

• It takes two to start poorly
• It take two for forgiveness to work
• It takes two to start over
• It takes two to make a marriage successful

But what is a successful marriage?  Is it one where there is never a disagreement?  Is it one where all the kids turn out “normal” (whatever normal is???)?  Is it one where each spouse has every need or desire met?

Of course these are skewed and selfish views of success.  I like what is defined in the preface of  “The Love Dare,” a 40-day devotional featured in last year’s movie, “Fireproof:”

[God designed marriage] to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy.  But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner.  If we are teachable, we will learn to do one thing that is most important in marriage–to love.

Success in marriage is learning to love.  It is NOT the absence of differing opinions, mistrust, or dysfunction.  Rather, it is loving IN SPITE of all that imperfection.  That is the unconditional love modeled in Jesus’ love for us, and that is what our marriages should demonstrate to our spouses, and others.  If you need help (just like me) in this area take a look at the resources at www.thelovedarebook.com.

I’ve never thought about the patriarch Jacob as being a “Romantic Superman.” But this Sunday we highlighted two super qualities he demonstrated with his marriage with Rachel that exemplify how to maintain a wonderful marriage relationship that will last a lifetime:

Sacrifice and Service

The real nuts and bolts of making marriage work long after the infatuation has faded and as the real-world responsibilities and pressures escalate is giving of yourself for your mate (sacrifice), as well as meeting the needs of your mate (service).

Here is the list of “Needs” that you every couple experiences.  Which ones need some sacrifice and service this week?

• Admiration or Respect
• Attractive Spouse  (attractive to the person…)
• Affection
• Companionship
• Conversation
• Domestic Support
• Financial Support
• Family Commitment
• Honesty or Openness
• Sexual Fulfillment

Your homework is to pick the needs that you think your spouse is lacking and sacrifice and serve to meet that need.  Also you should be talking these through so you’re sure to get it right.  Plus, you must share openly about what needs you’re missing in your relationship.

The difference this can make is amazing.  I know it’s often hard, and having a talk about this stuff can be unpredictable.  But KEEP TRYING!  You never know how God will use your efforts!

Next blog post, I’ll share some about how to communicate better when we as male and female think so differently.

Most people grow up dreaming about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.  They have some expectations about their first date, their first kiss, and their wedding day.  But I don’t think most people put much forethought into an elimination process to sort out all the potential Mr. Wrongs.  It’s kind of sobering how making a wise relationship choice can exponentially enrich your life, and how making poor relationship choices can cataclysmically drive your life to ruin.

Imagine how differently these major areas of your life would contrast in the right relationship versus the wrong relationship:

• earning an income and how you use it
• raising kids and where you live
• spending weekends and vacation time
• finding and being available for friends

Sunday, we studied Samson’s fatal flaw of making poor relationship choices, and concluded that poor choices can kill you …or at least sap your strength.  So, start dreaming about that elimination process now, before you start dreaming of your wedding night!

So how do you discern Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong?  Think about a bull’s-eye with three rings around the target.  You’ve got to pass each ring before you loose the arrow and consider a life-long marriage.

The outer ring on the bull’s-eye is the Relational Target Ring.
Here you check for the normal compatibility qualities that may start with Physical Attraction,  Personality and Current Lifestyle.

As you hone in on the target, the next ring is the Character Target Ring.
Here you discover who the potential bride or groom really is and will be once they step down from the dating stage.

Some good character questions to ask are:
•    Do I respect them as a person? (what non-physical aspects do I like, would I admire if not dating)
•    Do I like this person’s friends?  (Birds of a feather…..)
•    Does this person have relation toughness? (What do they do when the going gets tough?  Are they always the victim in life?)
•    Does this person tell the truth?  (If he lies to parents, boss and teachers….. he will lie to you)
•    Is this person responsible in real life? (keep job, pay bills, debt?, )

Finally, the target ring closest to the bull’s-eye is the Spiritual Target Ring.
For Christians, this is the most important.  We need to very simply know whether he or she is a Christian who is currently following Christ and believes the Bible?  The answer to this question generally goes hand in hand with the character target ring and some of the relational target ring.

God warns us that intimate relationships between people of dissimilar spiritual centers will kill you …or at least sap your strength.

A few weeks ago I noticed a magazine headline about Jon and Kate Gosselin of the TV show, “Jon & Kate Plus 8.”  It said something about a break-up, but I didn’t believe it because it was just some tabloid.  Then the next week when I was in the library, I saw the same thing on the cover of a more reliable magazine.  I read their article on Kate, and found out that their relationship was indeed on the rocks.

I never felt like it was one of my favorite things to watch, but my wife and I often watched the show.  I guess I didn’t realize the power of reality tv until now, because I was really hurt, and a little mad to hear that their marriage could be headed for a divorce.

If you watched them at all you know their pressure points:  Twins and Sextuplets, Kate is controlling, Jon is irresponsible, and on top of all that, they’ve made it their family’s job to live on camera for the world to watch.  So it’s not surprising how this relationship could be in trouble.

The message series that starts this week will deal with relationships from the Bible.  All of them had pressure points like interfering in-laws, blended families, being widowed and loving again, and infidelity and re-marriage.  And on top of all that, all of us have weak areas like being controlling or irresponsibility.

Every relationship has challenges.  And your relationships matter, not just for your own sake, but also because others are watching.  You may not have cameras going 24/7 in your house, but your kids, your neighbors, your friends at work and church are watching.  Jon and Kate are just sobering up to this reality.

See you this Sunday for the beginning of “Summer Love” and we’ll talk about how to start out on the right foot in relationships…dating and finding the right person for the right reasons.